So here’s the deal: I’m a writer. A real writer. One with a mainstream book deal who can’t tell you who she is. My agent knows I’ve been thinking about starting a clandestine blog, but even she doesn’t know the particulars, because, seriously? This has to stay secret. I’m a mom, I’m in the middle of a contentious divorce, and–oh, yeah–I write *teen* fiction, and what I’m about to share with you here? It’s not teen-appropriate.
That said, I don’t plan on getting particularly graphic, just telling the truth. In truth, however, is humor and a big fat dose of inappropriate subject matter. As in, my kids can never know about this blog. Even if it somehow goes viral (please, God!), I get an anonymous book deal out of the gig, and it winds up paying for my children’s college educations, they cannot know what an unrepentant slut their mother is. Now that that’s all out in the open, however, I’ll begin my story…
So anyway, I was married for twenty years. Were those twenty years full of wedded bliss and fabulous sex? Uh, no. Being the committed Christian women I am, however, I hung in there for way too long. Call me stubborn, but even his cheating on me, his financial irresponsibility, and his (no joke) tendency toward hoarding weren’t enough to shake my devotion. No–things had to get into batshit-crazy (i.e., frontal-lobe head injury) territory before I finally contacted an attorney and planned my escape.
Due to a couple of choice ex-boyfriends crawling out of the woodwork via facebook the moment I changed my marital status to “separated,” I waited six months to start dating in earnest. When I did, though, oh, man!
Now, before I get started dishing the dirt, I know what it’s likely a few of you out there might be apt to get to thinking–as in, How can she call herself a Christian a behave like such a ho??? To that, all I can say is what my mother’s always told me about keeping the faith: Church is for the sinner, not the saint.
Some people lie. Some people gossip. Some people cheat and steal. And they’re still Christians. Like them, I realize why I need Jesus. In my case, it just happens to be about an unquenchable sex drive and perhaps a little too much testosterone flowing through my female system, making my attitude toward sex more reminiscent of a dude’s than a chick’s. Because I tithe. I go to church every week. I have quiet time with God every day, reading His Word. But yet, here I am. Hopefully my journey will be a testimony that inspires someone out there to a deeper relationship with the Lord, but if not, God~please forgive me.
Names will not be used here, nor will dates or specifics. And I don’t want any legal trouble at the expense of my frankness, so if you’re a guy who happens by this site on a tour around the blogosphere and something sounds familiar? Just walk on by. Pretend you didn’t see it. Because even if you ask me in person, you’d better believe I’m going to deny knowing what you’re talking about.
Before we get started, one more thing: I’ve met most of my dates via the Internet. One particular dating site is my favorite, but to call it out specifically could be tipping my hat on potential identity leakage, so I’ll just tell you this: my favorite dating website is free, and it has a Q&A section that allows potential dates to get all Seinfeldesque on each other, culling from the mix anyone who doesn’t brush their teeth as much as you do or say thank you to waiters with consistency.
Anyway, onward! Each day, I’ll try (editorial deadlines notwithstanding) to chronicle, in order, the dates I’ve been on. Please keep in mind, I do this in the spirit of love, humor, and transparency. Because, my sisters–even if you’re not as slutty as I am (and I pray you’re not!!!), I’d venture a guess that you’ve wondered what would happen if you gave in and went there.