Turning over a New Leaf (and Then Quickly Blowing It): Dates 31.1 & 31.2

Okay. Now I know why I’ve been avoiding writing about my dates. Looking at where I left off, a guy I (still) *really* like is first on the list. Also, to truly explain why I like this particular fellow so much, I’m going to have to get a little explicit. But whatever, right? It’s anonymous, and you’ve been warned.

So anyway, I was the one who initiated contact with Date 31. We were both on a certain (very large, quasi-expensive) dating website, and I saw that he had visited my profile. Something about him struck me as extremely familiar-looking, so I clicked on his photo to view his bio. Turned out, he lived in my area, so I messaged him, saying I knew he was too young for me but asking where I knew him from (my cousins? the grocery store? the gym?). He immediately wrote back and we struck up a conversation that transitioned to texting.

Now, Date 31 isn’t that much younger than me–only one year. Because he’s never been married or had kids, though, I kind of dismissed him as being someone I couldn’t take seriously. And as you might recall, I started off the year on a vegan-no sugar-no alcohol-no caffeine-no sex fast. Yeah, I was probably being a little too ambitious, but I was super determined to see it through. I had resolved not to have any more meaningless sex, wanting to save myself for a real relationship. And that first week of the year, I was very chaste!

By January 6, however, I agreed to meet Date 31 in person. He took me out to lunch at a nearby Thai restaurant. Going into the date, I told myself I was going to be good, that this guy was kind of a goofball, and no way, no how was I going to have sex with him. And then he showed up.

Not sure if I’ve mentioned it, but I seem to have a thing for Jewish boys from New York. It’s getting to the point where I suspect I can tell the difference between accents from Queens, Yonkers, the Bronx, Brooklyn, and Long Island. So when Date 31 walked in, reminding me (in a positive way) of the Beastie Boys? I could barely talk I was so nervous and taken with him. And he seemed to like me, as well, since at the end of the date, he asked if he could see me again.

Before I get to the juicy parts, however (i.e., Date 31.2 and beyond), which will tend to highlight how sexually compatible Date 31 and I are, here’s Problem Issue No. 1: Date 31, while never married, has been engaged. Two years ago, at age 39, his 29-year-old fiancee, a gorgeous, blonde fitness enthusiast (no joke–I’ve seen pictures), was killed in an auto accident. Now, I feel super bad for him, because that’s a horrible tragedy no one should have to endure, but as a potential girlfriend, I could see some difficulties inherent in the whole setup. As in, no one would ever be as perfect as this guy’s dead 29-year-old fiancee.

Since her death, he had settled into a friends-with-benefits relationship that lasted a year, but now he was ready (he said) to find a new relationship, anxious to get married, settle down, and have children. Perhaps I should have ended things right then and there with that admission, since I can’t have children (at least not without the help of a surrogate), but I figured it was too early to jump to any rash conclusions. And besides, he was so cute!

It’s been a few months, so I’m foggy on the details of how it happened, but Date 31 immediately started texting me after our lunch date, saying he wanted to see me again. Eventually, I said okay, come over, so he did.

Things started out vanilla enough, but there’s a certain energy that starts combusting when you match someone dominant with someone submissive in the bedroom. It didn’t take long for him to give my ass a playful slap and discover that the harder he did it, the wetter I got. Add to that the hair pulling, the firm grip he placed around my neck, and the bevy of dirty talk he laid on me, and I couldn’t get enough.

And we got along! Both before and after sex, conversation was lots of fun. Basically, the more I got to know Date 31, the more I knew he was a sincerely nice guy. So nice, in fact, that he said he understood if I wanted to still date other people, but that he’d like me to only have sex with him if we were going to see each other again. This puzzled me at first, but then I was like, Okay! Because if I was getting my sexual needs met, I wouldn’t be tempted to jump into the sack with guys I barely knew or knew there was no future with.

After Date 31 left that night, I looked in the mirror and discovered just how enthusiastic a spanker Date 31 was–my ass was covered in splotchy red and purplish bruises. Um, no problem staying away from other guys, I concluded, since I didn’t want anyone to see me that way!!! I knew he was strong (he’s played sports all his life), but I’d never had someone mark me up like that, and I’ve been with some pretty rough folk!

The next day, I got a series of texts from Date 31 that made me think he’s either been in extensive counseling or has an incredible mother who brought him up right. Yeah, it’s kind of dorky to get a text that says something like, Thank you for having sex with me last night. I really appreciated how wet you got for me and how hard you were able to take it. But after all the callous guys I had dated in the last year, Date 31’s little thank-you texts made me smile, my heart becoming increasingly tender toward him.

I knew we were both still dating other people, but I was anxious to see where things between me and Date 31 were going.

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Where I’ve Been

As I think about all the dates I’ve been on since the year started, yes, there have been some funny moments–lots to smile about, but even more to groan over. Right now, however, I’m in a state of confusion. I thought I had met THE ONE, but he hasn’t really called or texted all week, so I’m thinking our relationship might be over before it ever even got a chance to get started. I suppose time will tell, but at this point, I’m feeling pretty defeated. I was seeing another guy for a month before this latest, and ending that liaison left me in a state of befuddlement as well, since he acted like I was no big deal but then got all moody and maudlin on facebook after I dumped him.

Is it so wrong to want to know the truth about what guys are thinking? I’m not a game player–never have been–so maybe I’m not destined to win, but I’m clinging to hope anyway. In the mean time, though, I’ve been beating myself up over what might be wrong with me. Is the new guy avoiding me because I want too much sex? My divorce and kid situations are too high maintenance? I snore? I walk around the house naked? Who knows??? All I can say is, this latest guy, the things he says are almost spooky they’re so precisely in line with what I want and have been hoping for. No, he’s not perfect, but none of us are, and his imperfections add to his strength and character, making me all the more googly-eyed for him. And the fact that he’s hot and very well endowed doesn’t hurt, either.

*sigh*

I just hope he calls soon.

Not So Happily Ever After

I miss writing about my dates. I was hoping an end to this journey was in sight, but now I’m seeing that it is indeed a numbers game, and I haven’t quite logged in enough hours to find that proverbial diamond in the rough. I’m still in communication (albeit sporadic, in some cases) with Dates 0, 5, 13, 14, 16, and 27, which is largely a problem, but I’ve been dating new guys as well. And that one particular new guy I was head over heels for? Still crazy about him, but I’m afraid he’s not as taken with me. Although he did call (not text!) me last night, so now I’m totally confused.

Anyway, I joined some different dating websites, so I’m enjoying the flood of dates that comes with being the new girl in school, and I think it’d be fun to keep chronicling the saga. Also went to church last night and had my ass handed to me by the Holy Spirit. Funny how that works…

Blogwise, this thing was getting pretty bulky so I trimmed down what’s available online, since readers can buy on Amazon for cheap if they want more of my stories. That said, any feedback is welcome here! I’d love to know if there’s an audience for my sordid tales of dating highs and lows. Stats have been encouraging, even if people aren’t always commenting, and I’ve truly enjoyed the writing, but part of me wonders, Should I really be doing this? Because if I find THE ONE, and I’m scared he won’t like what he reads here, I have a feeling this will all go poof! without so much as a backward glance.

Believe it or not, I actually am a nice girl with a good reputation–one who hopes and prays that she’ll still find the love of her life.

Giving It away for Free

In an effort to generate reader buzz, I put SLUTTY CHRISTIAN DIVORCEE up on Amazon for free this weekend. So far, numbers have been great! Hoping the upward trend continues, but I have to say, it feels really strange to know that so many people could possibly be reading it. One of the friends I confided in about the book even recommended it to her book club, so they’re reading it as their February selection. Very cool yet super weird to know that women I’m probably bumping into around town at kid events and the grocery store might have read all about (and discussed!) my errant sex life.

No more trouble on twitter this week, but I just followed a few more people, so hopefully things will stay cool. Most people are really nice there, so it was too bad someone had to call the cops on my party. But whatever–guess that’s life in general, right?

Censored!

In an effort to get the word out about my ebook, I went on twitter yesterday and befriended a bunch of people I actually know, in addition to a bunch of people I tangentially know. Someone, however, wasn’t happy and reported me as a spammer or something. Hopefully twitter will restore the people I had following me and vice versa, but I have to say, now I’m feeling a little gun-shy about getting back on there and making an effort to self-publicize. No, I didn’t expect everyone to like me or what I have to say, but the direct attack caught me off guard. Guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens next, being a little more careful who I friend and who I mention.

Want to Read in Order?

All right, I did it–SLUTTY CHRISTIAN DIVORCEE is an ebook on Amazon. Really, it’s pretty much the same material you’ll find here, but this way, it’s all in order without a bunch of clicking and back-browsing, easy to stealthily read on your Kindle at the gym or on the subway or wherever. No, my given name isn’t Fluffy, but I had to use something, so I went the joke what-is-your-porn-star-name? route. Hopefully not too many people will recognize the street name and figure me out! Anyway, hope you enjoy it!

The price is cheap (would have made it even cheaper, but Amazon has a royalty-tier cut-off that made $2.99 the cheapest feasible price to go with), and I’ll be offering free days to bump my numbers up every once in awhile (and hopefully garner some reviews, even if they’re negative). If you read and like it, please do me a favor and spread the word, hooking a sister up. Working six different part-time jobs hasn’t been paying the bills lately, so I’m hoping this might help.

Many thanks! I appreciate your support!  xo

Dates 29.0, 29.1 & Beyond: Here’s to the Future

As the year and this blog come to a close, I’ve been making some resolutions. Not resolutions, really, more like decisions. In 2010, 2011, and 2012, I opened the year with a 21-day “Daniel fast” (eating primarily fruits and vegetables), during which I also refrained from masturbation. Given that my ex and I only had sex three times the last five years of our marriage, believe me–not playing with myself for three weeks was way more difficult than going vegan and avoiding sugar and white flour. But I did it, and I felt like God blessed me for the effort. [Side note: if you want to know more about the rationale behind faith-based fasting, there’s a pastor named Jentezen Franklin who’s written some great books on the subject.]

Last January (2013), I was in a really rough place. I had left my husband three months earlier and was clinically depressed, the result of which being that I wasn’t sleeping well and had dropped 30 pounds. Honestly, I was dreading the annual fast and a little worried about my health given the circumstances. And then the pastor at my church made an announcement: for the opening of 2013, he felt like God was leading him to skip the corporate fast, calling for feasting, instead.

Anyway, this year, the fast is on again, and I know this one’s going to be an important turning point for me. In short, here’s the deal: vegan diet, no sugar, no flour, no caffeine, no alcohol, no sex (since I’m not married), and no masturbation. And this time, I’m feeling called to do it for 40 days instead of 21. It’s not going to be easy, but I’m doing my best to set myself up for success–I canceled all my online dating subscriptions and I already stopped drinking coffee a week ago.

Of course, as I’ve been typing this, trying to resolve to be good, Date 14 (the 27-year-old with the tattoo on his back, the guy who probably has sleep apnea) texted me out of the blue. I know I should ignore him, but I wrote him back, carrying on a totally inappropriate conversation [secondary side note: Date 14 mentioned how much he liked it when I gave him head, which is tawdry enough as it is, but here’s the really bad thing–I don’t remember sucking his dick! I was so drunk both times I was with him, I was inwardly all like, Hunh??? when he texted me his compliments just now.]

Okay–seems like the texting has tapered off for the time being, so maybe I’m not going to slip up before I ever get started being chaste (although, I have to say, there is the temptation to say, Well, January hasn’t started yet…), but let’s talk about Date 29, the guy from my church, shall we? Here’s the deal with him: we’re from the same small group (a home-based Bible study group designed to enable people to connect on a more personal level, even though our church is super big), so it’s kind of awkward to be dating, but that didn’t stop him from asking me out. First, he just asked if I was going to attend one of the Christmas production performances, saying he’d be there the same night and that we should sit together (Date 29.0). When I showed up, he’d gotten a serious haircut (big improvement) and was all dressed up. We wound up talking for an hour after the show, leading to his asking me out on an actual date.

We went on that date this week (Date 29.1). I wish I could say he was the one, but he’s not, and now I’ve got to face him (and our mutual friends, who know we went out) in church and at small group. We connected on a friendship level, and there was some degree of attraction on my part, but there were a few dealbreakers I just couldn’t get past, the biggest of which was the casual mention of a homophobic attitude. As I might have mentioned before, I have gay friends and family, and I believe that, whether gay or straight, God made us the way we are, and it’s not our place to cast judgment on others. And lest anyone out there start quoting the Bible to me, I’ve read through Leviticus enough times, I happen to know that we’re all in trouble for piercing our ears, having tats, and wearing mixed-fabric clothing if you want to get legalistic about it.

Anyhow, I don’t want to point any fingers, since I still consider Date 29 a friend (though one I hope to influence to have a more loving attitude), but here’s some general advice to the guys of the world about some key first impression stuff women are taking a careful look at when we date:

1. Haircut. As in, has he had one recently? And if so, is it decent? Beyond that, is it professional? For example, one guy I dated kept his hair buzzed short. The length was good, but I could tell from the way his neckline followed his hairline, he buzzed it himself, rather than paying a stylist or barber to do it. Know what this says about a guy? CHEAP!!! And if the haircut is bad or nonexistent, the messages we gals read are LAZY, CLUELESS, and/or OBLIVIOUS. Don’t be that guy.

2. Shoes. Call me crazy, but shoes say a lot about a person. You style mavens out there already know this, but I think this is a point that the rest of us just sort of internalize. Ugly shoes again point to cluelessness. Alternately, unfortunate footwear can also be an indication of someone having a really bad sense of style (extrapolate this to their wardrobe and what their residence looks like, both inside and out, and you get the idea about how this isn’t just about shoes). Down the road in a relationship, you’ll have to make a decision: will you put up with his bad taste or try to change it by offering more stylish suggestions? If you choose the latter path, there’s a good chance that you’ll ultimately be accused of being controlling and/or micromanaging your significant other, an argument to which no one wants to be a party.

3. Car. Now, this is a really tricky one–having too nice of a car might say the guy is a spendthrift, or that he has self-image issues, but having an absolutely awful car says he doesn’t really care about looking good or being comfortable (again, this translates to other realms of the guy’s life). On top of what kind of car he drives is the issue of its condition. My ex, for example, drove an expensive sedan, but he kept so much trash in it, I used to say he should open the windows, then have a garbage truck come scoop it up and shake it clean periodically. Yeah, I can be a bitch, but you probably get my point–it was unconscionable how he treated that fine, luxury automobile (which truly was the ultimate driving machine!).

Looking forward, I know God has someone in mind for me. I don’t know who it’s going to be, but three times in a row now, He’s demonstrated His power in delivering guys literally to my doorstep. The first time was with Date 17, the guy from high school who emailed me out of nowhere. The second time was when Date 29 was late to pick me up the other night–while I was walking my dog, a tall, super good-looking, single, age-appropriate neighbor stopped his car in the middle of the road, cut off his cell phone conversation, and jumped out of the car to talk to me. I was like, Wow!!! Not that I think this guy and I have any sort of future potential, but I took it for a message from above, kind of like God was saying to me, This date who’s late? He’s not the one, but I’ve got someone better lined up for you, and he’ll be along shortly, when the time is right. Third, I got a text from a now-divorced mom friend of mine while at church today: she’s dating a wealthy, good-looking guy who has a wealthy, good-looking (and tall!) friend who wants to meet me.

Of course, and then there’s Date 14, as well, texting me out of nowhere. Not sure if he was sent by God or the devil, but I’ll leave you with one guess as to what might happen with him later this afternoon, given that it’s still December and my perfect guy has yet to come along.

Like I’ve said, we all need Jesus.